Feel free to use them.

To start with, here are the lessons you have to learn...

How to Get FORD MOTOR COMPANY to Call You and Beg
You for Mercy!

LESSON 1
If you have already sent numerous letters to your dealership
or to your car manufacturer's regional office stop.

Never send your correspondence where it logically belongs.

So, if you bought your car on the East coast, send all your
correspondence to the regional office of your car's manufacturer
on the West coast. The same holds true for dealerships. If you
are on the East coast, get the address of a dealership of your
car's model on the West coast, and send him correspondence
indicating that he has been designated as your representative/
ambassador to the big, bad auto manufacturer.

Take my word for it. People have it up to here with their own
problems. They absolutely detest being burdened with problems
that don't logically belong to them.

LESSON 2
A pitiful women in the audience of a TV talk show who was cheated
by the big, bad auto manufacturer was practically in tears as she
related that she was out some $20,000+, and her car's manufacturer
would not respond to the five letters which she had written to them.

Five letters??? FIVE LETTERS??? No, no, no!! Five impressions are
grossly inadequate. First, never waste your time writing more than
ONE letter.

What you really want to do is go to the post office and buy a stack
of 100 postcards for $20.00. Then, if you don't already have one,
get yourself an electronic typewriter with a memory for about
$200. At this point, your total expenses are only $220, a far
cry from what you will spend if you engage a lawyer to commence
a lemon law claim for you!

Type an appropriate but brief message into your typewriter's memory,
and then print it out over and over on your postcards. Do the same
with the address of its destination. Never type your name. Always
sign your name. For now, send out at least one postcard every
business day.

LESSON 3
If your car's manufacturer has a toll-free customer service telephone
number, be sure and call it once a day, and be sure to impress upon
the customer service representative YOUR NAME. You may call more
then once if they should develop the tactic of hanging the phone in
your face, in which case you should immediately dial the number again.

If the company says you are calling too much, impress upon them that
you have PAID for the privilege of using that phone number, and that
you intend to collect on the satisfaction which was implicitly promised
to you over and over and over and over again by their advertising
campaign.

LESSON 4
Learn the name and location of the chairman of the board (or some other
high ranking executive) of the car's manufacturer. If you can't get
this information from the company, you can get it from directories
at any well equipped library. Call the executive person-to-person
once a day, every day. You will not have to pay for the call if he
does not accept the call, and if the phone company's policy is still
the same, you can ask the operator to leave your name and number free
of charge!! DO IT!! DO IT every day.

LESSON 5
When you call the manufacturer's customer service toll free number, here
is what you do not want to talk about: don't talk about your car's
problems more than once, NO MATTER what lies you are told. These people
are highly manipulative, and they are trained to wear you down. They will
say they had a computer problem and the records were lost, they will
say they don't know you by name (yeah, right); they will say that they are
new on the job, etc. They know that just as long as a complainer has a
person upon whom to unload problems, then the complainer will be placated
and will go away. DON'T FALL for this!!

This is what you should do. DENY THAT YOUR CAR HAS ANY PROBLEMS, and
try to sell the car to the person who answered the phone. They will
absolutely hate this. When you see that you are going nowhere with this,
then ask the customer service rep to go around the office to take up
a collection to pay for the car. Say outrageous things; take my word
for it, they will remember your name! Alternatively, demand to know
the telephone number of the rep's mother. When the rep asks you why
you want his/her mother's telephone number, say you have a piece of
metal to sell and you feel that his/her mother deserves it.

If they should ask you why you purchased the car in the first place,
say that it was purchased by mistake. Say that you fell under the mind
control of their advertising campaign which pursued you relentlessly as
a customer. Say that their advertising campaign wanted you, now they
have your for the long haul, forever!!! Be obnoxious. You have no
obligation to be nice to them. Use the same standard of mercy on them
that they have used on you!

LESSON 6
You may find it advisable to start priming the pump to get a little
attention from your mail out campaign so start hand writing little
slogans at the bottom of your postcards, such as "Cheaters never
prosper." If someone calls you to tell you something such as
what I was told, that is, that all of my correspondence was going
to go right into the garbage, then start writing: "May all of your
requests find a place right next to mine." Take my word for it,
from a psychological standpoint they will not be able to take this.
Also try writing, "Every time you go to K-Mart to request a refund,
think of me. Tell your company president that every time he goes to
a Rodeo Drive merchant to request a refund, that he should think of
me." They can't stand things like this. Exploit it to the hilt.

LESSON 7
I know what the title of this tread says, but you will find yourself
receiving many calls from low level customer service representatives
from your car's manufacturer. As soon as you have determined to whom
you are speaking, ferociously say, "You people have already received
your full allocation of my time today!" and hang-up. NO EXTENDED
DISCUSSIONS!

If you are called by someone with a little clout, then you say, "So
what's it gonna be? Am I getting my full refund right down to the
penny?" If they say, "No," then you say, "Then there is nothing
further to discuss," and hang-up. NO EXTENDED DISCUSSIONS!

LESSON 8
Those guys from the car dealership(s) and manufacturer will make every
attempt to negotiate to get you to stop what you are doing. Say, "OK,
let's make a deal. You stop your advertising campaign, and I will stop
my advertising campaign." Hang-up! NO EXTENDED DISCUSSIONS!

LESSON 9
You may start to get some unauthorized and abusive telephone calls
from employees of the car manufacturer or dealership(s) who are
not customer service reps (most likely mailroom clerks). There
are a number of ways to handle these. First, get the person's name
and title. Tell them you are going to quote them in an article you
are writing for the Wall Street Journal, and you want to be sure
that you get the person's name right. Or you can say, "Quick! Give
me the telephone number of the Oprah Winfrey Show; I have a story
to tell." They will hang up pronto.

In any case, there is a technique which you can use that the car
company will absolutely hate. Most modern telephone answering
machines provide an intermittent "beep" for recording regular
two-way conversations. Turn this feature on every time you call
the company and every time they call you. Announce that for your
protection against abusive calls, you are recording all calls
between you and them. They will absolutely hate this. They will
tell you they are not authorized by the company to have their
voice recorded. Say "Fine. Shut up and I will do all the talking."
Then go into your routines with your captive audience. If they
hang up, call the company back immediately and keep recording.
(You will find that they will, in fact, talk a little despite the
"beep" going.)

LESSON 10
The enemy will try to be your friend and advise you that you don't
know what you are doing, that you are contacting all the wrong people,
and that you are going about things all wrong. Just say: "I know
exactly what I am doing!" Then hang up immediately!

The enemy will try to be your friend and advise you to retain a
lawyer and file a lemon law claim. Say "No such luck! I don't need
the government to fight my battles. It's going to be 300,000 of you
against one of me!" Then hang up.

You know, the best things to happen to the automobile industry are the
lemon laws. These actually saved the U.S. auto manufacturers from
going out of business in the early '80's because they have instilled
in the minds of prospective auto buyers a false sense of security that
they have some substantive recourse against the lemon sellers. This is
very far from reality. Pursuing a lemon law claim is no cake walk. It
takes a long time, and a big effort of case building, not to mention
legal expenses. Claims can be dismissed totally against the buyer; the
buyer may be forced to accept a minuscule amount of money in full
settlement of his claim; when the company actually buys back a car,
they may deduct a car rental fee for the time the buyer used the car;
and in the rarest of cases, the buyer gets a full refund.

LESSON 11
If the car company's customer service representative screams at you
that he/she is there to see that you get warranty service, then
quickly ask for a refund for the warranty saying it didn't live up
to expectations.

If the customer service representative starts telling you that
she/he is supprised by your case and that all their customers
are quite satisfied with the service they receive and that the
other customers praise the company, remember, this is to make
you feel that you are such an oddball exception so far off the
norm as to be crazy. Just say: "How many lemon law claims against
your company are outstanding?" They will be rendered speechless
as any boldfaced liar would be.

LESSON 12
"You are my mentors!"

Every once in a while impress upon your car's manufacturer that
everything you have learned, you have learned from them. You can
also write, "You are my mentors!" as a slogan on your daily post-
cards. Tell them that everything you learned about promises and
representations you learned from them and their network of
affiliated dealerships; everything you learned about the power
of repetitive advertising you learned from their advertising
agencies; everything you learned about the effectiveness of dunning
you learned from their consumer credit subsidiary. They will
absolutely hate to hear this.

LESSON 13
Remember that you were advised to send postcards and make phone
calls to your car company daily. Now I am telling you to STOP.
Yes, after six weeks or so of daily correspondence and calls,
STOP abruptly for one week, then start again for one week, then
STOP again for one week, and start again for one week. This
alternating-week approach will tear the people at the car company
apart. The weeks off will be so good to them, but the weeks on
will have them back on their heads in the hell of their own making.

LESSON 14
Paranoia is the worse mental illness; take advantage of it.
Corporate executives know that they are incompetent, and they live
in fear of the consequences of this. Let your car company know
that while they have not tested their "No Refund" policy to its
logical conclusion, you intend to do so for them. Make it clear
to them that no company that does not grant refunds cheerfully
with a smile WILL NOT STAY IN BUSINESS! Now here is how you can
really tear them apart: tell them that if they refuse to grant
a refund to you, it will be infinitely more expensive than the
cost of a refund; then tell them that if they *do* grant a refund
to you, then you will publicize it far and wide and sing the
praises of their company - you will tell the world how they, too,
can go about securing a refund! The car company will writhe in
agony over this! The issue of refunds really hits a raw nerve
at car companies.

LESSON 15
Before long, you will learn who is the biggest lying, cheating,
dirty, rotten, scoundrel at your car's manufacturer. Remember his
name, and every time you call the customer service department,
tell the representative that he should emulate the example of
Mr. Dirty-rotten-scoundrel and that he, too, will advance at the
company!

LESSON 16
Things may get nasty, and the car company may accuse you of making
terrorists threats, and your calls will be referred to the security
department. The big giveaway that this is a manipulating scam is
that they would refer real terrorist threats to the appropriate
law enforcement agencies. What they are really trying to accomplish
is to scare you into giving up what you are doing. If this should
occur in your case, just say that you don't appreciate being
slandered or having to face further dealings in bad faith, and use
the opportunity to ask for an immediate legal settlement of
$25,000,000. Whatever is said on the other side of the conversation
reply with "Give me $25,000,000, give me $25,000,000." They will
absolutely hate this. These car companies think that they have
some divine right to keep asking you for money, (that is, dig into
your pockets to be more exact), but they cannot tolerate being asked
for money themselves.

LESSON 17
You may find that the customer service representative will automatically
transfer your call to a certain customer service supervisor as soon
as they hear your name. If this happens too frequently and you have
determined that 1.) you are being given the runaround and/or 2.) you
are being referred to a bubble-head, then refuse to deal with the
person, and hang up. You are under no obligation to deal with anyone
simply because the big, bad automobile company wants to impose this
on you.

LESSON 18
You may find that eventually the customer service department
at your car's manufacturer will no longer answer the phone
when you call. This is because they probable have caller-ID,
and they have programmed their system to recognize your incoming
calls. No problem. Call them a few times from someone else's
phone or from public phones, and they will start to accept
your calls again no matter what phone from which you call.
(Refunds are such a raw nerve piercing issue that you will be
amazed at the lengths the car company will go to avoid them.)

LESSON 19
Boss people around. Say, "You have your orders. Now, hop to it."
Then abruptly hang up. They will absolutely hate this. Remember,
THEY wanted YOU as a customer. You made no representations as to
what kind of customer you would be. You owe them NOTHING, and
certainly not niceness.

LESSON 20
Never, never, never settle for an ego stroking. You paid several
thousand dollars for the satisfaction of a pleasurable new car
ownership experience AND NOTHING LESS! Never, never, never show
the slightest hint of weakness, for if you do, they will capitalize
on it and pounce on you. It will take you weeks of effort to
recover your momentum. Never, never, never settle for less than
full satisfaction. If your car needs $2,000 worth of warranty
service, do not settle for a $200 patch job. Never, never, never
allow them to tell you that you are "too particular." Remind
them that it is not the seller who is the arbiter of customer
satisfaction, nor is it the government. IT IS THE BUYER AND
ONLY THE BUYER. If they pull this stunt on you, tell them to
add a disclaimer at the bottom of all their ads that states:
"Particular customers need not respond," and tell them that all
of their problems will go away. They will absolutely hate to
hear this.

LESSON 21
Believe it or not, the fact that the car company is an organization
of several hundred thousand people works against their advantage
and therefore it works to your advantage. Exploit this fact to
the hilt. You see, such an organization is far more fragile than
most people tend to think. The organization cannot be maintained
if there is no cohesiveness among its members, and this cohesiveness
cannot exist if the members feel that they are part of anything
less than an upstanding enterprise. Once the members are led
to believe they are part of a company that is in the business of
defrauding customers, that is, of robbing widows and children, then
the organization will start to break down.

To this end, when you contact the customer service department,
frequently use this line to the person on the other end: "Anyone
who cheats me will cheat you; anyone who lies to me will lie to
you; anyone who swindles me will swindle you!" Believe me, the
people at the auto company are paranoid to start out with. Exploit
that paranoia to the hilt! They will absolutely hate it. When
you start hearing the customer service reps screaming in agony
(to be taken literally) then you will know that you are beginning
to make progress.

LESSON 22
The car company or its dealership will have you believe that the
sales contract that you signed means something more than it actually
means. (They are so hypocritical; they want you to think that you
have contractual obligations, but when it comes to their contractual
obligations under the warranty, that's another story!) There are
several retorts that you can employ. First, say that under contracts,
the parties are free to negotiate revisions or even rescinding of the
contract, and that you want to negotiate a rescinding of the contract.
Say that contract really only sets parameters for how the
government will conduct itself when it gets involved in a contractual
dispute. Remind them that the issues at this point do not involve
the government and that the car company will have no such luck that
they will. Again, when it comes to living up to contractual obligations
tell them that they are your mentors.

LESSON 23
Remind them over and over and over again that no reputable company
denies refunds with a smile, and that no company that denies refunds
with a smile will stay in business for long.